my goal is to type faster than my "inner editor." you know that part of me that makes me hit the backspace because I am thinking too much about what I'm writing down. So the other day I wore a black bra underneath a yellow sweater and it didn't even occur to me that it would show through, but it did, and all day long no one bothered to tell me. I hope that it was just because no one noticed. I hate when that happens, like you look in the mirror see there is something in your teeth and you just wonder how long its been there. I hate March. March sucks. I hate spring, and winter. I'm kind of failing here because I was definantly tempted to hit the backspace button, so what I'm going to do is make this a private entry so that only my eyes will see it. hows life? Well definantly I still have a ridiculous crush on Mick, which is terrible since I am 80% sure he is going to end up a homo. It's not fair, homo's ruin my life. I have completely given up on school... or rather I'm just doing it the same way I have since the fifth grade. NATs is coming up this weekend and I still havent practiced this week. I'm pretty fucked. I hate having to sing infront of people alone when I'm not ready, I mean in a musical you get months to memorize the songs. Its not even the vocal stuff I struggle with, its completely ridiculous I don't feel like I even need vocal lessons. life sucks. I still failed on this because I have nothing but negative crap to write. BUT i am so excited for london. So even though I have a crush on him I would be completely content with a friends+benefits type relationship, I mean I know hes gay or something like that... and thats probably the best I could get out of that.

so i cheated...

today I didnt eat my orange for breakfast so i didnt eat until 2pm

here is my list

the celery and carotts i cut up with ranch dressing, the orange i cut up, the two left over slices of pizza, and like 6 cookies...I think I'm going to throw them away.

all I can hope for... is that it will dissapear or that i suddenly loose like 100lbs. No seriously i'm in love and its complete shit! why oh why would i want to put myself through this?? and i mean i KNOW it will end with nothing of course. I'm going to do it...Im going to finnaly shed the poundage. I'm going to finnaly do what this journal was originally started for.

so today I ate in order

one pizza stick, one water, smaller bowl of chips, diet pepsi, like 15 advent chocolates, three peices of canadian bacon and pineapple pizza.

Tommorow I should eat
For breakfast
1 orange
for lunch...
carrots+celery
sandwitch
after school snack-
tunna with small amount of mayonase and celery
Dinner-

well never mind according to the south beach diet book I get well yadda yadda im going to follow it.

oh yuck nevermind everything on their menu is kind of gross or involves some kind of baking process gosh!

oh man I have it bad, he makes me smile giggle and I OH BOY no i get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. That I want to kiss him and laugh with him and put my hands in his hair. Friday night I went to his house with lacey melissa and chekeva and then saturday we all went to kaleys house. oh man I have it bad! TERRIBLE TERRIBLE NO OH MAN I well i dont like being in love with someone who i dont have a chance in hell with. especially since i think he has a big crush on Kaley.

im blaming me being blue on the 30 days of rain we have had. and plus Im in love again. we know how i love being in love.

I miss being me...

i think i lost myself somewhere along the ride and I'm feeling just a bit blue these days.

ugh i do need some cheering up. Claire got asked to homecoming today, which makes me a bad friend since im dissapointed because this means no more oregon which means no more escape from homecoming. whatever. plus i hate devin, and ashley too, and i have to listen to them since they sit right next to me. bitches, i hate them, its like go have sex already, im tired of their idiotic games and calculated flirting.

wow lots of drama this week/weekend. So thursday in drama we waltzed! it was so funny, so i was devins partner for about 6.7 seconds before i was told to go be chris's partner. It was hillarious, i wish oh i wish we had pictures of it. So Ashley is definantly making the moves on Devin! The year long conquest begins! i can only hope she gets bored and or she finds someone else to salivate over. mostly because I dont want to have to watch this calculative behavior go on anymore. We found a script...Its okay. So while we were looking for scripts of course ashley comees and sits with us and distracts devin the whole time with pointless banter. like, this one time dave matthews groped me in a ccloset. This was disturbing information that neither I or Devin wanted to hear. Then she talked about how she was staying home with holly and watching movies, and how if devin wanted to call THE NUMBER ON HIS ARM SHE WROTE WITH PERMANANT MARKER ON THE DAY BEFORE, he should totaly stop by. and then they could talk about how they totaly should take dance classes together. I mean Ashley admitted to me on the first day of performance that she kind of sort of liked drama but like not as much as like some people you know?? I know im being some what condescending, but I just refuse to take her seriously. I dont like to lose, and her calculated way of flirting is so...OBNOXIOUS. How am I supposed to one up her if everytime devin is around she comes galloping over? I know I need to stop this all, I dont like devin that much I just dont like the idea of losing. and plus devin and ashley would be the worst/grossest couple in the world. She jsut likes him because he is a senior and he seems almost attainable because he is a virgin, and she is probably clsoe enough to one. Then I saw devin while i was in the car with christa and Kandice, while listening to cake, he came over to talk and so it was perfect to hint at our music qualities sincce he once alluded to the long jacket short skirt song. But when I asked if he liked cake I dont think he knew what it was. disapointing devin! then saturdays soccer game, oh boy. Allison was pissing everyone off then Stephanie decided to ask Fred to de-throne her and then she ran off cryign and oh boy it was so funny. At the time I was pissed as hell but now i jsut look back and laugh, lauren broke a knee or whatever, you know the norm. Im sure the doctors "wont be able to find anyhting" again.


well thats life acccording to me.

I should just face that im not getting asked to homecoming...right?my first fortune cookie said "man can maintain his dignity best in silence", but yesterday i got a new fortune that said "something special is coming your way." I can only hope! I gave Devin my number on friday, maybe he will use it maybe he wont. I dont relaly know why he would call though, all I said was "Hey devin this weekend im going to look for another script." then he said "okay can I have your number?" I am such a girl analyzing these things. Plus I already told myself I would stop hoping last friday. Last friday was like the big deadline. But Marissa said last year she got asked a week before. Claire wants Chris to ask her and to be honest I dont see why he hasnt. At least by the way Claire talks about him it sounds like he likes her. I hate homecoming, in reality I dont even want to go, we all know I cant dance! back to the # thing I would hope he wouldnt ask me over the phone thats lame, although over the phone is better then not at all. Its interesting how many girls actually like devin, you wouldnt think he was in such high demand! there is Ashley,who i know thinks he is cute and has made him her year long conquest, then Kathleen, but she asked someone named jeff to homecoming, then ugh Shawna Corbit EWWWW i can't stand the girl, but I overheard her saying she wanted to go to homecoming with Devin, well okay all I heard was Devin, big tall funny improv, and then homecoming. as of last wednesday Devin didnt have a date...or no thursday??AHHHHHH!life would be so much easier if there was just no homecoming, I wish our principal was more uptight and had forbidden homecoming. I know that makes me a bad teenager, but so what.

I had a REALLY good dream last night...I had a few really weird scary ones too. I was Stephens girlfriend, hem from laguna beach....lol. I dont know why but we were just making out in this like hospital room that we were locked in, it was nice, he kissed my neck. Then i kept saying things like...HEY I HAVE BOYFRIEND! definantly made me realize i would like to say that sometime and have it be real/true. Then he got a flat tire and he was convinced it was his engine, but i was like no you retard its your tire, and then my dad fixed it. This is where I start a freaky dream that my family is having this costume party and this guy like slices words onto my back, i was very scared. then once they are gone i was like dad the neighbor molested me!...but it wasnt like my real dad. Then I also had a dream that claire and liz were friends again. i was way upset, and i couldnt find a shirt. I would really like to go back to sleep and have that stephen dream again.